Darth Vader's Painful Memories
by the-dramatic-harmonica
Summary: Anakin when he had just become Darth Vader[in between episodes 3 and Empire Strikes Back], his hate of himself and his sorrow and love for Padme, with flashbacks. Please R
1. A Broken Man

Do not own Star Wars or any of Lucas' awesome ideas and tirology. And i sorta wish i DID own Anakin, but i do not.

My First Star Wars Fanfic, so please, be nice and R&R:

* * *

He knew he shouldn't have, but he still did, thoughts of her entered his mind and he drifted into a world that he knew was lost. He had killed her.

In his visions, she lay in his arms as they spoke lost words to each other that were now only engraved in his memory and his dark heart.

She lay near him, her finger wrapped around the small braid of hair behind his ear. She let go as he made the movement to leave.

"I must go, the council will be waiting for me" he had said, reluctantly getting up from the bed as she smiled and pulled him in for a quick kiss. He took a moment to glance at the new ring on his finger before putting on his shoes and giving her another, longer kiss goodbye; he got up and started for the door.

"Be safe" she smiled, her eyes filling with tears, to see him go. He turned back and looked at her.

"I will" he smiled and she returned it. With that he had gotten into the racer and flown away from Lake Country on Naboo.

Within the black mask, a single tear fell from the young man's eye.

"Something troubles you, my young apprentice" Palpatine hissed, walking into the room and taking a seat at his large chair.

"It's nothing master" the Sith lord replied, lying.

"I sense your sorrow" Palpatine continued, paying no heed to his apprentice's lie.

"But you must learn to use your sorrow. Hate and anger will make you a more powerful Sith, and with one stroke you can kill the one who brought this upon you, this hideous mechanical form you now embody" the emperor finished, poisoning a once pure mind.

"Yes, master" the Sith lord replied, sitting beside the emperor.

"The dark side has given you clarity, but you falter, do you regret it, my apprentice?" Palpatine asked him.

"No, master" he answered, the dark mask distorting his voice and his breathing, while the single tear still lingered on his cheek, unable to wipe it off, it burned him inside his dark soul, in which only a glimmer of light remained.

"You'll see, apprentice, the future is great for both of us" Palpatine smiled viciously and turned his chair to face the large window at the front of the ship. "Now, Lord Vader, leave me to my thoughts" Palpatine said without looking away from the asteroid field ahead.

"Going into light speed" a command came over the intercom and Darth Vader rose after the ship blasted to the other side of the galaxy.

"Yes Master" he replied.

Walking down the large hallways, he spoke to no one and came to his bed chamber. A large room, filled with his own sorrow and sadness.

"Anakin" he heard her voice, seared into his heart, "Padme" he spoke silently to the empty room, sitting on the simple bed. He sighed. "I'm sorry" he spoke softly, tears falling from his eyes quickly now, he made no effort to stop them and put his head into his hands that rested on his knees. "Padme" he again whispered silently to the room. Long he stayed in his room, with his head bent low, ashamed and angry at himself for being so blind that he had killed her. His visions had been wrong, but the Jedi had betrayed him, especially Obi Wan, he had been like a brother, Obi Wan had even said it himself and yet he left him so brutally to die. Reconstructed more machine than man, the young Sith lord wept long in his room.

"Lord Vader?" came from the door and he lifted his head to look at the young general standing at his door in uniform.

He took a deep breath in, which was magnified and made deeper by the black mask.

"Yes?" he asked, standing and making himself strong, not to look weak in the eyes of some simple man.

"The Emperor wishes a word with you" The man said, leaving the room and walking down the hallway, back to the command station.

On his way to the door, Lord Vader caught his reflection in the large rectangular mirror hanging on the wall, a few paces from the door. He stared at the black mask that covered his face and felt his mechanical hand move within the dark suit covered by the black cloak, his tears stopped and his heart pounded, with a swipe of his red lightsaber, the mirror fell into pieces at his feet.

Shards of the mirror lay on the floor, still reflecting his horrible appearance. Satisfied with the mess, he left the room, filled with anger and hate for the Jedi and yet, every part of his heart beat for her.


	2. The Memories

As Lord Vader entered the large command room again, Palpatine turned his chair to face him, rather than the galaxy.

"You wanted to see me? Master" He said as came closer to the emperor.

"Yes, my apprentice, why did you not sense it? Why did I have to send a command general to get you?" Palpatine hissed, angrily.

"I'm sorry, master, my thoughts consumed me" he replied, ashamed to be thinking of her so powerfully that he had been oblivious to his master's wishes to see him.

"I can sense it, my boy, and I am very, very sorry" Palpatine hissed his lies. "But you must learn detachment, she IS gone"

Darth Vader's eyes again filled with tears but they did not fall, he was mad at himself for allowing his master to sense what troubled him, for his mind to be so weak that his master could read the very thing that controlled his heart's core.

"-But master, you said, yourself that a Sith Lord had once mastered how to save his loved ones from dying, is there not a way to bring _her_ back, master?" He asked, eager to see her face again, shinning bright with love.

"No, my apprentice" Palpatine said, with fake remorse in his voice. "There is no way," Palpatine took a deep breath, to seem as if he cared, and then continued on harshly.

"I warn you not to think about her much longer!" he shouted and Darth Vader immediately went down on one knee.

"I beg your forgiveness, Master, I did not mean for my thoughts to dwell on her, I assure you, it will not happen again" he said, loathing himself for taking so long to think about her.

"It's alright, Lord Vader, but assure me, that _if_ it does happen again, you will NOT miss my call" Palpatine said, standing and walking to the kneeling man. He placed his old hand on the back of the black mask and smiled. "Now, my apprentice, rise! And we shall go find the hiding Jedi that have survived the attacks, they must die, then we shall rule the galaxy" He removed his hand and went back to his chair as Darth Vader rose and nodded formally, starting his way down the hallways to the pods, he would detach from the ship and go to seek out the living Jedi.

* * *

"You should have seen him! He jumped this way and that! But then, the ship shook, and he was thrown back against the command controls, and this loud beeping is going on "Error, Error" and we've go to get out of there, but Obi Wan's now knocked out, laying on the floor and I'm standing there, with at least 20 or 30 clone troops in front of me, and I reach for my lightsaber, But Padme, it wasn't there!" He sat on the bed, looking at her, motioning with his hands his latest adventure.

"Oh!! Ani, what did you do?" she asked, consumed by his story.

"Well, the only thing I could, it just came to me, the force helped me jump over the where Obi Wan was knocked out, his lightsaber was on the ground and the troops turned to face me and-"

But Padme's maiden walked into the room, and seeing Anakin sitting on the bed beside Padme's laying position, although both fully dressed, telling his grand adventure, the young girl walked out right away. From behind the door she called "There is a Jedi to see you, Padme" she said softly and Anakin looked up suddenly. His worried eyes met hers.

"Stay here, I want to hear the rest when I get back" she stood up and went to the door. Obi wan came into the brightly lit room.

"Have you seen Anakin? It seems I've lost him" Obi wan said "and his presence seems to be coming from here, I'm so sorry to bother you, Senator"

"Its fine, Obi Wan, its great to see you again, he is here, he was just stopping by to say hello and then needed to use the restroom" she lied quickly and Anakin listening behind the door, cursed quietly. Obi Wan could easily see the restroom from where he was standing and it would certainly be obvious if he emerged from her bedroom.

"No worries, do tell him, I will be a little while longer, the council wishes to have a quick meeting, I expect to see him waiting by the ship, it shouldn't take more than a half hour before we have to go" He smiled and she nodded as he left her home. She rushed back to Anakin in the bedroom, he lay on the bed, waiting for her, so he could continue the story, but she looked troubled.

"What is it?" He asked standing and stretching his arms out to her.

"You have to go so soon, and we didn't even have a chance to talk or anything, Ani, you just got here, maybe ten minutes ago!" she came into his arms and they held each other tightly. They ended the hug and both sat on the bed, looking into each other's eyes

"Padme, everything will be alright" he smiled, although he was also upset that he only got a short time to see his wife.

"No, Ani, it won't be. Its been weeks since I've seen you, I'm always worried about you and I-" she paused and moved her glance to the floor "I just cant do this, I mean, it's half an hour Ani, and next time, who knows, maybe we won't even see each other again" she said, tears forming in her eyes.

"Don't talk that way" he said, lifting up her head to look into his eyes. "I can take care of myself, and besides, you're always with me in my thoughts and my heart, I promise you, next time we'll have more time" she smiled reluctantly, but he could see that she was still troubled.

"Finish the story" she said, pulling his hand away from his face and holding it instead, but he let go of her hand and stood up abruptly.

"You don't want to hear it" he said, offensively.

"You don't have to act this way Ani" She said, in disbelief, watching him

"I'm not acting anyway, Padme" he replied bitterly. "I just- " he paused, "you said it yourself, we only have 30 minutes, maybe less and you don't just want to listen to my adventures" he said, leaning against the window and looking out at the bustling life.

"Ani!" she came behind him and wrapped her arms around him, he turned so he faced her.

"Please, Ani, you're a terrific story teller, and I love spending time with you, no matter what we do" she said, hugging him. He placed his arms around her and whispered "I love you" into her ear, she returned the phrase and after a quick kiss, he continued the story.

"so with his lightsaber, I killed them off, and then, we, I'm carrying him and we finally get to where we came into the ship, I put him into his speeder, but Padme, he's unconscious, there are more troops coming and we need to get out of there, and as far as I can see, his R2 is nowhere in sight! I almost started panicking." They had moved to the bed and they lay, close, looking into each others eyes as he told the story.

"Oh, Ani, I wish I could go with you, on your adventures" She said, stroking his arm.

"Oh no! It's far too dangerous for a senator" he joked and pulled her into a kiss.


	3. Snake in the Grass

He opened his eyes, the sudden brightness of the light, blinded him. He had returned late last night, after searching planets for a trace of Obi Wan or Yoda, or whoever else may have survived. He had counted in his head and seemed to find those two were the ones who he did not see die before he had headed back to his master, relaying the search results.

"Ready my mask" he called, getting up from the bed and threw on his dark cloak. He sat in the chair as the mask was fastened onto his head and he thought back to his dream of that night, a memory he had, after they had only been married a few years.

Nothing really mattered then, nothing but their love, he had thought it was stronger than anything, even himself, he thought they would endure everything, but because of himself, he had lost her.

He sat on his bed, with the mask covering the only human part of him that was really left, because even he knew he was more mechanical monster than man, the majority of his heart was consumed with hatred and anger, while the smallest fraction of it, held her and his memories of their past times. Her voice was etched into his brain and as he sat, in his room, waiting for his orders, her voice overlapped in his mind.

"Ani, we should have our baby back on Naboo" "Ani, its been so long" "Anakin, I thought you had died" "I truly, deeply love you and before I die, I want you to know"

the memories and the voices overlapped, and he couldn't bear it, again taking the position of his hands on his knees, cradling his head, he closed his eyes, hoping the voices would disappear, but they got louder.

"Ani, I love you," "Ani, hold me," "Anakin, why are you acting like this?" "Anakin, please, stop," "Anakin, I don't want to fight." "Anakin, Stop it, get out!" "Stop shutting me out, please, Anakin, don't do this." "Obi Wan said you turned to the dark side." "You're breaking my heart!" "ANAKIN! HELP ME, PLEASE!" and as visions of her dying at childbirth and of him strangling her entered his mind he cried out with such anger that his room shook.

"STOP!!!" he shouted so fiercely that three guards rushed in to aid him.

"Is something wrong Lord Vader?" one asked and filled with anger, the Sith Lord did not look up at the young men but raised his arm and soon, the three bodies fell to the floor with echoing thuds after being choked so menacingly.

"Darth Vader?" the emperor said, coming into the room and stepping over the bodies.

He didn't look up but instead, whispered more to himself than to his master.

"She's haunting me! She won't get out of my head, I can't make her voice and memories stop, and –"he paused, taking in a deep breath as the emperor watched him with crossed arms. The man who had once been called Anakin Skywalker jumped onto his feet and yelled "It's my fault, I killed her!" following this, he collapsed back onto the bed in a seated position, staring at the floor while tears streamed down his face in rivers.

"No, No, No! My young apprentice" Palpatine said, coming to Vader and sitting beside him. "It was not you, but the Jedi that poisoned and killed her, remember what Obi Wan said? Besides, you tried to save her, I know you did! And you were so close, why if it weren't for the Jedi- she may still be here, with you, _now._" he said, touching Vader on the shoulder in a fatherly way.

He still stared at the ground, taking the snake's lies into his ears and transforming the only human emotion about him: love, into dark cruel hate fuelled by his never ending, self inflicted solitude. He began to shake swaying back and forth, buckets of tears fallig from the eyes, then he stopped shaking and his tears vanished.

"I hate the Jedi" Darth Vader said softly, finally looking up from the floor. Palpatine removed his hand.

"So do I, lets rid the Galaxy of them" Palpatine hissed, but Darth Vader stood up and went to the place were the mirror had hung, a body had fallen on the shards that lay on the floor, but the shards he could see, still reflected his horrid appearance.

"But, master, I hate myself more than I hate anything in this world, I hate myself for killing her, I- "

But Palpatine stood up, came to his apprentice and finished the sentence, twisting the truth.

"You have more hate than you ever did love" he finished and motioning for his apprentice to follow, left Darth Vader's room and made his way to the command deck.


	4. Visiting Memories and Hallucinations

Landing the small ship on the sandy ground he got out, and taking a quick look around, felt the memories rush back to him. He had buried his mother here, in the sands of Tattoonie, and he had met _her_ here, for the first time.

"are you an angel?" the memory flashed back to him, hurting his head. He shook it out, he had to look for Obi Wan, his new master had sensed the Jedi's presence here. He felt it too, but didn't move from where he stood the middle of nothing, surrounded by miles and miles of sandy ground.

"They're like animals, and I slaughtered them like animals! I HATE THEM!" the memory came rushing back, moments later, her arms had been comforting him, stroking the back of his head. He shook the memories out, again, he wasn't aloud to think of her. He took a step forward, looking for a sign of anything Jedi, but even the word caused a memory.

"well maybe I don't want to be a Jedi anymore!" he said, standing against the balcony, wet from the heavy rain that had just stopped.

"Anakin! You've always wanted to be a Jedi, I won't let you give that up, just for me!" she replied, in disbelief, angry at him. "don't give up your dreams!" she said, coming to him. He embraced her in a tight hug.

"I love you" she whispered and he nodded.

"Padme" he pulled her away, to look at her, both of his hands on her shoulders, although one was metal, he held her tightly, looking deep into her eyes. "I wanted to be free for years and then I wished to be a Jedi! But Padme, I've loved you more than that, and I wouldn't miss being a Jedi, if we could just be together, if we could just see each other more, everyday, Padme, I need to be with you, I'd die without you! And if I had to choose, I would choose you over being a Jedi any day!" he finished, looking into her eyes for a trace of happiness, agreement, but he only found reason.

"Anakin, we can't, we both know it, you're not even a Jedi yet and I'm a senator, we either end this or we continue to keep it a secret, choose that Anakin" She left him there, to think on his thoughts, left him in utter misery and he had stormed out after that, mad.

The next day he had returned to see her beaming with love, happy that he had chosen her, but of coarse he would choose her, he couldn't get enough of her.

"Lord Vader?" the command general behind him asked. He turned to face the man, older than him by many years, but the piece of Anakin Skywalker still in Darth Vader, saw the command general as a man who had never felt love, never been loved and had forever lived under the rule of someone else.

"Yes?" he asked, annoyed at himself more than anything else.

"Is something wrong?" And although he wanted to scream out that there wasn't, because he knew that something was waiting for him in the shadows of Tatooine, and not just a Jedi, but something he couldn't sense, something more substantial than memories and he had to find it.

"Yes" he replied, turning back to the ship.

"Lord Vader, are we not searching for the Jedi?" the command general asked and he turned to him sharply.

"There is no Jedi here, trust my judgement, there is nothing for us here" nothing but pain and memories, he thought to himself, walking up to the ship, with the general following him. As the ship roared to life and soared into the sky, he knew that he was leaving Tatooine, never to return again, even though he felt the presence of a Jedi and a piece of Padme lurking there.

* * *

Vader stepped into the command deck; his master was sitting in the large chair at the front, looking out the window at _his_ galactic empire.

"What did you find?" he asked his apprentice, without even turning.

"Only pain and memories, master" Darth Vader replied wearily, tired from looking for Jedi, tired of hating himself and tired of missing her. Yet, why should he be so upset? The Jedi had betrayed him, they had deserved to die, he was more powerful than any of them! And somehow, she held him back, made him unable to think or look for the treasonous Jedi. "Stop! Stop now; come back... I love you!" He heard her voice in his head, shouting at him, and in a second, his mind was wandering. He was no longer with the emperor, but standing in Mustafar, hearing Padme's last words. The memory played like film in his head, moments later, Obi Wan had emerged from the ship and he had strangled her.

"NO!" he screamed! Screamed at himself, making the emperor jump. The memory deconstructed and he was back with his Master.

"What is the matter, Lord Vader?" his master asked, turning in the chair to face him.

"Don't make me do it! I cannot go back to Coruscant or Naboo or Mustafar, even if the Jedi are there" He spat at his master, for once since his pledge, he was defying his master's wishes, disregarding a direct command.

Darth Sidious looked taken aback and racked his brain for a response, something to say.

"Did you search Tatooine?" He asked, harshly, already guessing the answer.

"No Master, I could not" Darth Vader replied bitterly.

"And you refuse to search the planets where you know Obi Wan is likely to go, because of your past?" Sidious pressed his young apprentice, growing angry.

"I DON'T WANT TO LIVE!" Darth Vader shouted and the room shook. Sidious smiled at his apprentice's power, trying to think of something encouraging to say, but found nothing.

"My apprentice, you just need time, soon you'll be able, and we shall find Obi Wan and kill him" Sidious assured.

"NO!" Vader screamed back. "I don't want time; I don't want to _be_ able. I WANT HER ALIVE! YOU PROMISED ME!" Tears of hate filled his eyes and he pulled his lightsaber out and ignited it.

"Don't be a fool!" Sidious shouted, laughing harshly. "You cannot fight me!"

"You're right" Vader responded calmly. "But I do not fear death! I have nothing to live for, the one I love is gone, I have become a monster. I am a machine! I should end it all, right now" and moving out of the battle stance, he moved the lightsaber so that it pointed to his own heart.

"NO!" Sidious screamed; scared for the first time once the conversation began."NO! I tired to save her! We both did, it was the Jedi who killed her!" Sidious cried, for fear of losing his apprentice. He got out of his chair and walked forward to Vader.

"Put the saber away, NOW!" he hollered and the stream of red disappeared as the arm of the one holding it fell to his side, but Vader made no effort to put it back. A smile sprang to Sidious' lips and he began to again poison the mind of his apprentice.

"You need time. You want revenge, Obi Wan betrayed you, she betrayed you, and you never needed either of them. She loved you, yes, but she betrayed you and Obi Wan left you to die!" He circled his apprentice, waiting for a sign of anger or sorrow from the masked figure.

"she would never betray me. How dare you say that I didn't need her! You've never felt love, you are cold and dark master, and I will never be like you!" he spat back, releasing the lightsaber in his hand, it clunked to the floor and Anakin Skywalker turned his back on his master, walking briskly to his room to be with memories of her.

­­­­­­­­­

* * *

It had felt like a dream, he couldn't even imagine it, didn't remember why he had said it, but he had, hadn't he? He had defied his master. He felt ill, there was nothing left but the old man, the man who had always been there for him, always known him and told him to be patient told him he was the greatest Jedi. Had he always known? Had he known that his mother would die and then his wife? Anakin shook the thoughts out his head, no, there was no way that was the case, it was just by chance that Anakin had become a Sith, just a chain of events that _happened._ He sighed, he knew he needed to go see his master again, apologize, for what else as there to do? Obi Wan had betrayed him, Padme was dead, and he had nothing, no one but Darth Sidious.

Darth Sidious sat in his own room, thinking, wondering what his apprentice needed, he needed to forget her! But how? How was he supposed to do that? He figured the worst of it would be over, that he had an apprentice and that was it. There could not possibly be _good_ in Darth Vader, could there? Did the boy just need time? Encouragement? Padme? He searched his mind, no, there was no way he could bring her back and even if there was a way, would he risk it? He could lose his apprentice. He sighed and he really didn't know how his apprentice felt, it was true, he had never really felt love at all, but he was in love with _his_ empire. He didn't want to lose it, just as Anakin hadn't wanted to lose her. He decided to let his apprentice come to him, when the boy was ready.

Tired of waiting and sensing something was wrong, after 3 long days of not seeing the apprentice, he called on a general to fetch him, sensing he could not allow more time for sorrow and _love._

The general entered Darth Vader's room, only to find him gone, as they searched the ship, they found that he had left! Palpatine hissed in anger, sending generals across the galaxy to find his apprentice. He couldn't bear it! The days passed into weeks and soon it had been 3 weeks without a sign of his apprentice. Sidious grew angrier with every passing moment.

"He is not on Mustafar" one of the generals announced one day.

"Of course he isn't! That's where she died! He wouldn't go back to Tatooine, Naboo, or the capital either, so don't search there. " Palpatine hissed, madly

"Yes sir, we shall call back our forces from those planets" and the general left the room. Palpatine only had a few moments to himself, before another general entered.

"We found him sir" the general said and a smile spread across Palpatine's lips, finally, he would have him back.

* * *

He lay on the bed, half asleep, half awake, tears still hung on his cheeks from when he had cried earlier. He could smell her, remember her, see her laughing and it filled him with agony. He clutched the pillow to his mask like face and breathed it in. The vision came flashing back to him and he made no effort to stop it. He had been a fool to leave his master, he knew it, but he needed this.

"I need to go!" he said as she giggled and pulled him back on the sheets.

"But ani-" she sighed becoming serious "oh alright" she let him go and he resumed buttoning up his shirt. She wrapped her arms around his waist and kissed his neck.

"I'll miss you" she whispered and he wished he could stay, wished he didn't have to go back to Obi Wan.

"Padme, don't do this, you know I'll just stay and then get in trouble. I have no will power when it comes to you" he said, although he didn't want her to listen, he just wanted to hold her, against the silk sheets, and look at her forever. He turned to her and kissed her gently, and then turned back again.

"I know" she let him go again and watched as he scanned the room for his other shoe. He put his metallic hand under the bed and found it.

In moments, he was all ready to go, but he wished he wasn't.

"I'll see you later" she said, standing up to say goodbye to him. He opened his arms and she came into his hug. They stood like that for moments, thinking of each other. They pulled away.

"See you later, Mrs. Skywalker" he said and as she giggled, he took her into a strong kiss.

It had been only months after they married. He took in the smell of the silk sheets again and sighed, it was unfair! He shouldn't miss her this much, would he ever be able to do anything? Everything he tried to do, filled him with thoughts of her. "Oh, Padme" he whispered to her room, her home, her presence. He wondered where she had been buried and thought for a moment that he could find Obi Wan and ask him and then with stunning clarity he remembered what he was, a machine, a Sith and a widow. Tears again filled his eyes but they didn't fall, he wouldn't let them, he needed to forget her, he knew he had to, or else he would live in suffering forever. He looked up from the pillow to see the vague and blurry outline of a frame on the bedside table, he blinked the tears away and the picture became clear. It was a picture of them. He remembered when they had taken that.

"Alright, hold still" C3PO called, steadying the camera as he stood a metre away with R2 behind him. Padme sat in Anakin's lap and he sat on the grass, his normal hand on her waist. He picked a piece of grass with his other hand and tickled her hand with it.

"Anakin!" she laughed, turning to him, he smiled, and the camera flashed as she leaned in to kiss him.

"Oh, shall I take another one?" C3PO asked the lip locked lovers and Anakin pulled away to speak.

"Yes, another one, we'll stay still this time" and he looked into Padme's eyes, full of tears.

"What's wrong?" he asked suddenly and she waved the question away.

"It seems the camera is out of film" C3PO said matter-of-factly and Padme laughed.

"Oh, dear, I hope no one ever finds that picture" she said and he laughed back.

"Why are you crying, what's wrong?" he asked, not wanting to go away from the subject.

"they're tears of joy Ani, I missed you so much" he smiled at her comment, for he knew it was the truth.

" I missed you too" And C3PO walked away with R2 whistling behind, while the couple kissed and laughed, rolling and tickling each other in the grass.

He sat up and snatched the picture. He opened the frame in the back and took out the picture, years old. She had scribbled something on the back.

"_Me and Ani, our first anniversary"_ his eyes filled with tears. It had been their anniversary? Why hadn't she told him? And then he knew why, she didn't want him to come unless he was able, she wanted him to come when he was free, not when it was the occasion. He hadn't even given her a gift, but then again, neither had she given him one. He smiled at the photo of her, looking into his eyes deeply. He left the frame faced down, empty on her table and stowed the picture in his sleeve, for he found no pockets on his clothing. He would keep the picture in his room, once he returned to his master. He stood, finally getting up from the bed for that day. He had slept there, sat there, thought there and he had only left the bed to eat in the nearby kitchen, with difficulty due to his mask. Now he came to her closet and opened it, childhood clothes hung there, pink frilly dresses big enough for an 8 year old. She had probably moved everything else to the capital. A box at the bottom of the closet caught his attention and he opened it, to find letters. He picked one up and examined it, it was her writing and it was addressed to him. He read the letter, eyes filling with tears.

_Dear Anakin, _

_I haven't seen you for weeks, I need to see you, Naboo is so lonely without you. I probably wont ever send this letter, I don't know where you are. I hope you are not in danger, but I know you can take care of yourself, my Jedi. _

_Be safe. _

_Love, Padme_

He read letter after letter, searching through the piles. It seemed she had written a lot, but never sent one, there were dozens of them. When he had finally read all of them, he found a small leather bound book at the bottom of the box. He picked it up and examined it. Opening it, he read the first line out to himself.

"This is truly torture."

_I met Anakin today, I wrote years ago about him, in my other journal, I had meet him on Tatooine, I always thought he was a smart little boy, but now it's unfair. It's not good at all, he's so handsome! I can't even stand it! He's outside the room right now. I think he tried to compliment me; I was trying to hard not to blush. I know I shouldn't act rash, but this is not what I need, I can't even stand to be in the same room as him, I feel as if I'm dying. Is this love? Does he feel the same way? No, I'm driving myself insane._

_I can't feel this way! Oh, he had the most beautiful eyes! And his smile, oh, I think I could melt in his smile. But I won't! I will act calm and if he ever asks, although I think I'm in love, I will answer that I am not. This will never work. I don't even know what I'm saying. He doesn't even love me. And I'm not in love! I just can't stop thinking about him I'm silly to ever think of a Jedi and Senetor being together. And although I think I wish we were, we wont ever be together, this is not love! Is it? _

Tears were falling from his eyes now, tears of happiness, joy and love but he also felt horrible, that she had been in such pain. He had never known, he had remembered that day, he thought that she had hardly recognised him, when she had been falling for him.

He imagined that is he had found this years ago, he would have teased her.

"Melt in my smile, huh?" he would joke and she would reply.

"Anakin, stop" and then he would kiss her. He turned his attention away from the silly hallucination back to the diary.

He read more of the pages, they were all like this one, all about him, about her denying her love and then one caught his eye in particular.

_I am such a fool. Anakin kissed me today. It was the best thing that has ever happened to me, I think I just got swept up into it. It was so amazing, I couldn't stop myself, I know I had told myself to not fall in love, but it was truly wonderful. I've never been kissed like THAT before. Oh, part of me wishes that I hadn't pulled away, that I had just kissed him for eternity, but I didn't, I pulled away, and said something silly I'm sure. "I shouldn't do that" or something like that, but I wanted to. I know I pulled away, why did he kiss me? Why did he stroke my back? No, I can't do this to myself. This is not right, I should not want to feel this way. I shouldn't want to go into his room right now and apologize, just be swept up kissing him again, just hold him again. I doubt he will ever know that I love him. This is torture, oh, how I wish he were kissing me again. _

His tears had vanished and a smile hung on his lips, he had remembered that kiss, it had haunted him, he flipped through the following pages to find entries about the republic, one about the picnic they had, how scared she had been when he had fallen off that strange creature. And then the rest didn't mention him, He thought for a moment that he should take the book, but then decided against it. She had never meant for him to have it, he wondered what she would say, were she there right now. Probably that she had been scared and knew they couldn't be together. He looked around himself, the letters lay, in a semi-circle, surrounding him. Putting the book back first, he placed all of the contents back in the box and then returned it to it's place in the closet. He closed the closet and fell, with his back against it, crying, feeling ill and hopeless.

The wreck of the man, wanted to die. He wished he hadn't left his lightsaber with his master, wished he could just kill himself. He closed his eyes and a vision, but not a memory of her appeared before him.

"What are you doing Anakin?" she asked, she was wearing her wedding dress.

" I Don't know" he replied to the air.

"She's right Anakin" Obi Wan appeared before him. "You shouldn't mope around"

"I know, master" He replied.

"Come on, Anakin, get up" she said and he stood, clouded by the visions in front of him.

"I know you are still in there" she said and he nodded. A vision of himself now appeared before him, the vision Anakin was perfect, even the metallic hand was gone. No mask, no hate. The Padme and perfect Anakin, without a scar, before him came together and held each other.

"Anakin, I know you can do this, If I had to, I would be able to live without you, don't take the easy way out, but never forget me" again, he nodded.

"But I'm a sith!" he cried out, tears choking him, "you'd hate what I have become"

"That is true" Obi Wan interceded "but, there is still good in you Anakin"

"Ani, I love you and we _will _be together one day, just promise that you will never forget me" She whispered

"I promise, I love you" he said and as he slumped back down against the closet into violent sobs, his visions disappeared. He took the picture out from his sleeve and looked at it, tracing a finger over the outline of her hair and her smile.

"I'm a broken man, but I will never forget you Padme, we will be together, someday" he cried out to the room and the memories of her, his tears still falling heavily.


End file.
